Blokblog week 3: About disappointment and (not) giving up // On matters – S&E

Blokblog week 3: About disappointment and (not) giving up // On matters – S&E

Hi everyone

I’ve had a rough weekend and I honestly hope yours was far more relaxed and sunny!

It all started when I came home Friday noon after taking my contract law exam. I think I haven’t done well, but actually I don’t know as grades are only published in the beginning of July. To make a rather long story about how I came to feeling sad short: once I came home, still in my dress and heels (it was an oral exam) I just started to cry, and really hard. I felt such a disappointment, such inferiority and so extremely sad. I had studied for 6 days in ‘blok’ – after already studying in term of course – and I really thought I’d be able to give an answer to most of the things the professor could ask, but that turned out not to be the case. The ground was swept from under my feet. And after crying two times on Friday, feeling miserable on Saturday and crying a third time yesterday I think that what I feel is something that many of you have felt too and that it should be a topic of discussion and conversation, because our mental health is really important.

University is a rat race – or at least at mine is

I am so disappointed in the way the faculty/-ies profile themselves. It feels like they don’t care. It is not the purpose to keep people on board, as the matter of fact, it is just the point of losing those who can’t swim (yet) and even though knowing this for quite some time it just struck me all of a sudden. I am quite the perfectionist so when I don’t reach my goals I am just so disappointed, but then I manage to get back on my feet and carry on. But not this time. This exam was the one I really wanted to study for, I really wanted to do really well and I didn’t want to disappoint the professor because to be honest he’s a straight down genius and an incredibly gifted and clever man, able to slip jokes in his lessons – while many others just come and teach their courses, able to explain things in a good way, a good narrator and a teacher who keeps the crowd active in class. I like people like him, so naturally I wanted to be at my best. Then it felt like I failed. And hard.

Truth is, I study law not necessarily to become a sollicitor / barrister, judge or something. I don’t really know what to do with it, but I had an eye on becoming a professor, with the mentioned professor as a huge example and role model. But as everyone knows, only the top get to become professors. And I’m not the top. Teaching is something I’d really like to do, and certainly at uni. But there I am, in the middle pack, not the one with the really good grades and then you see your dreams float in the air, unreachable. I was sad.

I feel a constant disappointment in myself and especially when leaving my exam

I’ve only had one exam that made me feel good afterwards and that was history of law exam (course about constitutions / constitutional law and political developments throughout history of the main countries in Europe), all the others made me feel sick to my stomach. I left in sad cloud mode, thinking I (nearly) screwed it. Professors (when having an oral exam) can give you such doubts and it really affects me. Still, no one of the staff seems to find that a problem. I keep thinking over and over whether it’s a test or not. And so that happened again, Friday. Not that the professor was unkind or anything, but it was the atmosphere ‘hanging’ in that tiny office. I returned home by bus and train afterwards, happy I’d brought my Harry Potter book to read. It’s the only thing of comfort these last days. So I managed to hold myself together until I got home. I was sad.

In term it was practically the same story: not making deadlines I personally planned, not feeling fulfilled, only emptied, reading but not able to absorb the things written in front of me. I was sad.

Doubting whether I fit in law school. Shouldn’t I have chosen languages from the start?

This is truly a hard one. It’s what I feel for three days now. I’m not quite sure if it’s a correct feeling or not. I have always loved books and languages, beeing kindly fed them by my Mum, who is a language person herself. But transfering gives no guarantees either and it might be a leap in the wrong direction. Anyway, one thing I know for sure is that I miss English as a course and a matter of study. My mother tongue is Dutch so obviously I like reading books in Dutch as well but ever since I started uni, I have read English books non-stop. I truly think it’s an indicator. Question is, what should I do with it? So, I was sad.

Conclusion of this whole matter is that I’m in such doubt I couldn’t function anymore. I panicked and I overreacted for sure, since I could still have passed that exam. Trouble is, I can’t seem to find the proper concentration to get back at work again. One small fact: I have still two more exams to come and every time I open the books, it’s a constant reminder of my doubts and sadness – I felt so dumb and stupid after that exam…

I don’t want to discourage any of you thinking of going to uni, I certainly don’t! But don’t make a fairytale of it, because it’s not. It’s a full-time job. But whatever you do, try to remain positive and full of hope. Relax from time to time (I think I’ve sacrificed too much to study and get through my books with the result I’ve blocked myself). So, if you are a student / student to be, will you try not to do that? Please?

So, I’ll try to get myself back on track and not give up, certainly not for those two last sheets of paper to fill in and explain. I’m a Gryffindor after all.

 

A nice start of the week for all of you!

Love,
Charlotte

 

PS: I wrote this post in a hurry, so excuse possible spelling / grammar mistakes O:)

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Advice to College Graduates Contemplating the Writing Life

About waiting and writing. Intention: the latter.

BREVITY's Nonfiction Blog

sandramillerBy Sandra A. Miller

Make lattes at the bookstore café or bag groceries at the Stop ‘n’ Shop. Give the job some muscle and love, but not every moment of your writing time. Or find a position that taps your talent in exchange for a sizable salary. Eat well. Drink well. Don’t think of this as a right or wrong choice, but you’ll soon enough learn what you hunger for.

Or, like me, pack a bag and move to Japan where you can write through the night in your lonely apartment with Hemingway novels scattered across a blonde straw floor. An eager student will teach you the word for rising sun, Asahi, which, in turn, you will whisper to your lover at dawn, the one who fills, then breaks, your heart, leaving you alone again with nothing but your notebook. Write! Write! Blur the ink with tears as you journey…

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Blokblog – week 2 // On matters – S&E

Blokblog – week 2 // On matters – S&E

Hi everyone

Studying was with ups and downs the last couple of days. Everything started of well with studying constitutional and governmental (I hope that’s a term) law, but since then my concentration hasn’t been what it should be. Ethics passed me in a way that is not good and contract law started of well but then hit the clippers. So, sort of a horribilis end of the week (last week, that is). Plus, I hit my head this morning and I have an exam tomorrow. Just great.

It’s making the best of it, I guess. Economics has been a struggle so I can only hope that everything goes fine tomorrow.

I will try not to worry a lot. Hakuna Matata. 🙂

If you have exams too this month I wish you all the luck in the world!

Love,

Charlotte
– with a bump on her head

 

LINKS:
Previous post: Things associated with women
Blokblog day two

 

 

 

Things associated with women – part 1 // On matters – Feminism

Things associated with women – part 1 // On matters – Feminism

Hi everyone

After a year in uni, a lot has happened. I have learned and experienced a lot and there’s something that frequently struck my mind. It was the fact that there is still a stereotypical view on women, mostly imposed by men. I have never felt this so clearly, not even in secondary school.

This will be part one of a mini-series I’ll write on my blog. This idea has been playing on my mind a lot and I finally sat down to write about it. If you sort of get lost in why this is about feminism, I put this under that tag because this series discusses the mindset of society expecting certain things of women, just because they are women. This article will discuss the first topic: make-up.

“You don’t wear make-up”

No, I (nearly) don’t. Mostly I just wear mascara and some concealer on pimples if I have them (and really are fluorescent red), sometimes BB cream on my  nose – the dermatologist says that I have more veins in my skin there and it often shows super red, so I cover it up just a little bit, but only if I think it really necessary. I prefer to just let it “open” so that my skin can breathe. When I’m feeling up for it, I’ll wear brown eye pencil (by Rituals, post on that following later) which is really subtle. Apparently, I am to sort of “update” how I look, so that other people (read: boys) find me more attractive.

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But why is that? I’m just a person like anyone else. I don’t really mind being thought of as ‘non-attractive’, because my judgment of others will mostly be based on what I think of you as a person, not on how they look. (But you’re a friend of mine and if you mistreat your body, I’ll speak my mind.) Am I so naive in expecting people to treat me likewise?

For the record, I do like make-up. I really do, but not to put on my face every day. I’m going to uni to study and of course I don’t walk in my pyjamas or go to class still with my hair in its braid (I braid my hair for sleeping to tame my curly hair, so you can imagine what it looks like when I wake up 😉 ) but it’s not Paris fashion week!

When I go out I do like to put on eyeshadow, a bit of blush / highlighter and lipstick because for that one night that I have this event, I like, you know, feeling “fancy”. Putting on subtle make-up which enhances my features is fun on nights like this! I never go overboard. It just makes me happy 🙂

 

Another thing is that I got sort of critized over which brands of make-up I used. (The phrase was something like this (on the nose subject): “You have to go to this brand X, they have super good products which will look good on you. The ones you use now are not as good as these, it doesn’t cover up well- etc etc…”) I have to pay for my beauty products myself so I think every purchase over. It’s nice that people want to help you in finding good products, but this sounded like a judgment, when I look back on it. Because that person insisted that I should cover the redness and praised other girls wearing make-up by that brand and thought they looked beautiful. It made me feel like I was ugly with my pink-to-red-toned nose, but it’s just another part of my body. It just happens to have a lot of veins and after several years I have come to the point that I no longer mind. And I will decide when and if I want to cover it up.

IMG_1185
#positivity #nomakeup

 

If you too have thoughts on this subject, you can always leave them in the comments, I love to read them!

Love,

Charlotte

*PS1: I seldom share photos of myself and I hope you all understand. I’m still doubting whether I’ll post pictures of myself on the blog. If someone has tips / ideas about that, let me know! 😀

*PS2: Post not sponsored in any way (in case you wondered as it features some brand products 🙂 )